Decoding *Gentle Parenting* (and Why it's SO Much More Than Just Being Nice)
Let's be honest, "gentle parenting" – has become quite the parenting buzzword. I get asked about it so often (which is why it officially deserves a permanent home right here on this blog).
And here’s the unedited truth of the matter — I despise the term “gentle parenting”. More than I can fully articulate. I much prefer "conscious parenting" or even "respectful parenting." Why? Because gentle parenting is SO often misinterpreted as sugarcoating everything or letting your kids make all the decisions. And so many well-meaning influencer-types will provide scripts and methods that totally miss the mark and often result in parents spiraling deep into permissive parenting. But trust me, when done right, you won’t believe the results you can achieve with gentle parenting!
So, what is gentle parenting, really?
Gentle parenting, more than anything else, is all about boundaries, my friends. Clear, consistent boundaries. But when you think about those boundaries, think more like guardrails, not walls. Your child needs to know what's expected, and that you'll follow through consistently every time (bedtime routine resistance, anyone?). But here's the kicker: it's also about acknowledging their BIG emotions that erupt when those boundaries are enforced.
Let's face it, children rarely throw a tantrum because they're feeling particularly chipper. They're frustrated, sad, angry – a whole rollercoaster of emotions they can barely understand, let alone articulate. Gentle parenting doesn't mean giving in (trust me, that creates a whole different set of problems!), but it does mean validating their feelings.
Here’s a smaller example: your little one is determined to wear their favorite pajamas to the playdate in the park. Instead of a flat-out "no" (which is more likely to trigger a bigger response), try this: "Wow, you really love your new pajamas! They are so comfy, aren't they? But at the park, we wear clothes that can get a little dirty when we play on the swings and slides. You would probably get upset if your favorite PJ’s got stained. How about we pick out some fun park clothes together? Ones we aren’t worried about getting dirty."
See the difference? We're acknowledging their feelings (they love their PJs!), setting a clear boundary (park clothes for the park), and offering a solution (picking out clothes together). This builds trust and cooperation, which is way more effective than a power struggle in the long run. And at the end of the day, they still might fight you on that and get upset when you tell them no, but you’ve given them a much clearer understanding of the boundary which will ultimately help them move through the emotions more easily (especially as you parent this way more consistently).
Boundaries as floaties
Too many of us were raised to believe that boundaries were mean or rude and it’s often hard to get away from that way of thinking. However, boundaries are actually a kind way of communicating what you will or will not accept. And when it comes to parenting, boundaries allow our children to take comfort in the fact that there is a confident caretaker in charge who is both reliable with what they say AND will help them through the big emotions they might feel as a result of the boundary. The more inconsistent you are with boundaries (especially when the boundary changes as a result of your child’s feelings or outbursts), the more your child feels overwhelmed by the big emotions they are having and the less they perceive you as their sturdy anchor. Consistent boundaries give your child metaphorical floaties to know that you will always be there to support them, even when they don’t like the decision you’ve made.
Ditch the bribes & punishments
Another staple of gentle parenting is the release from bribes and unrelated punishments. Bribes are a recipe for disaster long-term (the book “Punished by Rewards” by Alfie Kohn talks about this at length if you’re interested) and unrelated punishments (e.g., “go to your room”) more often teach children to hide the behavior or eventually rebel. Think about it — so many of us were promised dessert for finishing dinner and while that might have gotten a few more veggies into our bodies in the moment, it often results in a weird power dynamic around food later on. The broccoli and the ice cream are both food — one is not inherently better than the other. Each has its place and by teaching what each do for our body and serving them together, we can more intuitively teach our children to listen to their own bodies which leads to so many ripple effects!
Similarly, unrelated punishments like grounding or taking away a cell phone for something like hitting a sibling doesn’t actually teach the child the skills they were lacking in the first place that led to that decision. Instead, gentle parenting focuses on natural consequences. Hitting your sibling with the toy means that toy needs to go away for the day and I’m going to put my body between you two to keep everyone safe. Didn't pick out park clothes? Well, guess those cozy PJs will have to stay home today. (This is where setting clear expectations beforehand is key – "we need to wear clothes we can play in at the park, remember?"). Additionally, punishments are not where the learning actually happens. In an instance where you are considering a punishment for an action, most likely your child is in fight or flight anyway which means their prefrontal cortex (where all higher learning happens) is totally offline. Instead, true learning and skill building comes later, when things have calmed down, and you circle back to the moment where they were so dysregulated.
Skip the scripts
I know, every social media influencer is trying to get you to believe that if you just memorize this script or formula of interacting with your kids that they’ll magically start doing everything you ask. And as much as I would love not to remind my children (seven billion times) to brush their teeth, the truth is that no script or formula is going to change that. My children know that brushing teeth means bedtime is coming and that means a disconnection from me and my partner. It’s the hardest time of day for them and as much as my inner child wants to scream, I know that what they need from me in those moments is connection and calm. And it’s often times the hardest thing in the world to do after a busy day of work, schoolwork, childcare, meal prep, etc. etc. etc.
So don’t let people online trick you into thinking that gentle parenting is the easy way. It’s not! It takes incredible self-regulation while also extending so much compassion and curiosity to your children when you are often at your wits end. And the secret sauce about gentle parenting is NOT about memorizing scripts - it’s about authenticity and connecting with your child on an emotional level. And your non-verbals matter just as much (if not more) than your words. Mirror neurons – those little brain cells that fire when we see someone else expressing an emotion — are extra sensitive in kids (yes, even babies) so when you're radiating frustration while trying to stay calm, your child will pick up on that. Take a deep breath, get down to their level, make eye contact, and show them you understand their feelings, even if you can't give them exactly what they want in that moment.
Reparenting
And let's be real, authentic parenting often means doing some reparenting work on ourselves. Healing from our own childhood experiences can make a world of difference in how we handle our child's big emotions. As they say on airplanes, you need to put on your oxygen mask before helping others! The more we understand our own triggers, the better equipped we are to support our kids when they're feeling overwhelmed. This also models for our children what it means to prioritize ourselves first so that they grow up and recognize their own need for self-care before they hit burnout. It’s not selfish to prioritize your own inner child work — in fact, the positive effect that will ripple into all of your other relationships in life might make it the most selfless thing you can possibly do. Take care of yourself — you are worth it!
TLDR
So, ditch the picture-perfect parenting facade and embrace the beautiful mess that is raising a tiny human. Gentle parenting isn't about being perfect, it's about building a strong, connected relationship with your child — even when things get tough. Now, go forth and conquer those parenting challenges with a little more compassion and a little — or a lot — less yelling (no pressure!). You’ve got this!
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