You Just Yelled at Your Child - Now What?
Remember that time you swore you wouldn't lose it after you stepped on that rogue Legos again? Yeah, me neither.
Let's be honest — our kids are these amazing, squishy little bundles of joy who, by some cosmic twist of fate, seem to be born with a built-in radar for exactly what buttons to push to send us hurtling towards our wit’s end. But here’s the thing: we're all human. Even us, the so-called "experts" who spend our days neck-deep in research on attachment theory, sleep science, and emotional regulation. We lose our cool. We yell. It happens. And we feel just as guilty as you do.
And guess what? It doesn't make you (or us) a bad parent!
In fact, losing it can be a powerful opportunity for teaching – for both you and your child (yes, really).
Here's the secret — research by developmental psychologist, Edward Tronick, found that parent’s only needed to fully attune to their child’ emotional needs about 30 percent of the time. Newer research by Susan Woodhouse et al. confirms these earlier studies. So what about the other 70% of the time? In those instances when we aren’t fully attuned or when we full on mess up, it's all about repairing the connection after the breakdown.
Because, let's face it, when we mess up we are emotionally pushing push our children away from us — which is the opposite of what we desire. We want to build strong, secure relationships with our kids, where they feel safe to express their emotions (even the big, messy ones) and know that we'll be there for them, no matter what.
So, the question then is what do you say after you've lost your cool? Here are some tips to help guide you:
First things first: Give yourself some grace. You're a parent, and parenting is hard. You did the best you could in that moment with the tools you had available. Acknowledge that, take a deep breath, and let go of any lingering guilt.
Wait until you're calm to talk about it. This might be the hardest part, especially if your child is still upset. But trust me, trying to have a rational conversation when you're both fired up is a recipe for disaster. Take some time to cool down, maybe do a quick mindfulness exercise (we'll talk about self-care a bit later), and then approach your child when you're feeling centered.
Open the conversation by acknowledging how your actions made them feel. This might sound simple, but it's incredibly powerful. For example, you could say, "Hey sweetie, I know I yelled at you earlier about the Legos, and I'm so sorry. I bet that made you feel scared/frustrated/angry (choose the word that best fits the situation)."
Offer a sincere apology. This isn't about making excuses or placing blame for the part your child played (if you feel a “but” sneaking up, that probably means you aren’t ready to repair yet). It's about taking ownership of your actions and expressing your regret. Say something like, "I messed up by yelling. My job is to help you, not yell at you, and I know I didn't do a very good job of that this time."
Ask how you can make it better. This shows your child that you're invested in repairing the relationship and open to learning from your mistakes. Maybe it's a hug, a game together, or simply reading a book snuggled on the couch.
Now, don't get hung up on memorizing scripts or steps — just focus on being authentic. Use your own words, speak from the heart, and let your child see your genuine remorse. Remember, your nonverbal cues matter just as much, if not more, than your words. So get down to their level, make eye contact, use a gentle tone, offer a warm hug if they are open to it, and do what works best for your child’s personality.
And let's be real, sometimes the reason we react so strongly to our kids' big feelings is because they trigger unresolved issues from our own childhood. Healing those old wounds can make a world of difference in how you handle your child's big emotions. Consider journaling, therapy, or even a support group – anything that helps you become more self-aware and less reactive.
Finally, let's talk about self-care. They say on airplanes that you need to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others – and guess what? The same principle applies to parenting. You can't pour from an empty cup. So when you're starting to feel burnt out and depleted, it's going to be way harder to stay calm and collected when your child pushes your buttons.
Self-care doesn't have to be complicated. In fact, some of the most effective strategies are the simplest ones that you can easily incorporate into your daily routine. Here are a few ideas for busy parents:
Start small: Aim for just 5-10 minutes of self-care each day. Even a short meditation session, a few pages of your favorite book, or a quick walk around the block can make a big difference in your stress levels.
Schedule it in: Don't leave self-care to chance. Treat it like any other important appointment and block out time in your calendar, even if it's just 10 minutes before the kids wake up.
Find your "power hour": Are you a morning person? An evening owl? Identify the time of day when you feel most energized and use that time for self-care activities that require a little more focus, like journaling or reading.
Delegate and ask for help: You don't have to do it all! Delegate chores to your partner, older children, or even hire some help, if possible. Don't be afraid to ask friends or family for help with childcare so you can have some time for yourself.
Connect with your partner: Make time to nurture your relationship with your partner. A strong support system is essential for managing stress and parenting challenges. Schedule a date night, even if it's just a quiet dinner at home after the kids go to bed.
Move your body: Exercise is a well-known mood booster and stress reliever. Find an activity you enjoy, whether it's a brisk walk, a yoga class, or a dance session in your living room. Even a short burst of movement can make a big difference.
Digital Detox: Constantly being plugged in can be draining. Schedule some time each day to disconnect from electronics and be present in the moment. Put your phone away during meals, step away from social media for a few hours, and enjoy the simple act of being with your family.
Remember, self-care really is not selfish — it's actually self-sustaining. The more you take care of yourself, the better equipped you'll be to handle the challenges of parenting and show up for your child as the calm, connected parent you want to be.
Taking care of yourself is the ultimate act of love for your child. By prioritizing your own well-being, you're creating a more positive and peaceful environment for your entire family!
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